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(This was a speech I gave today for my Downtown Toastmasters club.)

I was a failure. As a go-go dancer.

It was 1994 in San Francisco. I’ll tell you my story and you’ll learn to

• Know your context
• Bring your audience
• Recognize the value of failure

These were the days before the internet. We found out about rooms for rent, music shows and go-go dance contests through colored flyers stapled to telephone poles.

The flyer said, Go-go dance contest: dance for a minute. Winner gets $50 prize!

$50 in a minute! I worked in a dog kennel under a freeway overpass making $7 an hour. I could work brushing dogs, brushing dogs’ teeth and hosing dog poop for 7 hours and not make $50.

I thought, “Perfect! I have the outfit!”

I owned authentic 1970s white vinyl go-go dance boots and a 1970s orange mini dress. I got them both at the Bargain Barn in Santa Cruz, California, where people stood outside in a clump until a bell rang. Then we all rushed in. Stuff was dumped willy-nilly on tables. In my mind, it defines the word frenzy. When I found the white vinyl go-go boots in my size, I felt it was destiny.

You know how they say, “Dress the part,” or “Clothes make the man” or “Fake it til you make it”? These clichés don’t apply to go-go dancing. You can look like a go-go dancer and not be able to do it. Case in point.

I have fast eyes. I am a speed reader. I have fast enough hands. I type 60 words per minute. I have slow legs. I walk a 20-minute mile.

I had taken my slow legs to a single dance class in 1992. It was hip hop. I stood at the back of the room and watched everyone do quick stylish moves.

You would think that remembering my failure in the back of the room as a dance class would have dissuaded me from dancing on a stage in a spotlight…but no.

The night of the contest I went to the bar. It was a place that was campy and chic without looking like it was trying too hard. If people were drinking American mainstream beer, it was because they were doing it to be ironic. Today I would call the bar hipster.

I gathered with the other women and one man in drag. The DJ told us the rules. One minute each and applause would decide the winner.

Immediately I stuck out. Everyone else except for the man in drag was wearing jeans and a white t-shirt or tank top. I was the only one in white vinyl go-go boots.

The music started and the first contestant took the stage. She did some slow gyrations to a popular love song at the time.

I was in trouble. I had imagined 1970s upbeat go-go music, not 7^th grade slow dance music.

My turn came. I flailed my arms and stomped in place in an attempt to combine my personal awkwardness, my severe self-consciousness, my single class of hip hop dance training and my love for the retro 1970s into one spectacular dance routine against a slow sexy 1990s song as the soundtrack.

My minute was over.

The audience stared at me. The DJ grimaced as she looked at me and goaded the audience, “C’mon people, clap for the poor thing!”

Three or four people clapped out of deference to her rather than praise of my skills.

So I didn’t win.

The next day I was cleaning kennels with my coworker and I told her about my humiliating failure. She said, “F- that. You gotta bring your own crowd with you. I would have clapped for you. Anyone who knows you would have clapped for you. Next time you want to go-go dance, you call me and I will be there for you.”

How lucky am I? All my life I have had people around me who will holler for me. The line between adventurous and foolish is thin. But I’ve always had encouragement to try new adventures.

Now you’ve learned that you need to

• Know your context
• Bring your audience

My last lesson is to recognize the value in failure. It’s true I’m an awful go-go dancer: untrained and uncomfortable in thrift store 1970s white vinyl go-go boots. I stood alone while a DJ pressured people for pity claps, but I got something out of it. This experience in the 1990s is material for my speech today, my tenth advanced speech that earns me an Advanced Communicator Bronze award.

In closing, learn from me and

• Know your context
• Bring your audience
• Recognize the value of failure

Keep in mind that I’m your friend. When you enter your next go-go dance contest, I will holler and whoop and clap for you.

I know what it’s like. I’ve been there.

Happy third anniversary, Light to grow in! I started this blog three years ago.

I started it while I was in a leadership development class at the University of Missouri where I work called Chancellor’s Emerging Leaders Program. One part of the class included doing a LEADS assessment where you have peers, superiors, clients and mentors rate you and give you feedback. You also rate yourself.

Does that sound like a terrifying grown-up-style popularity contest?

I found the experience illuminating. I consider myself a small person in the world although I am six feet tall. After reading the comments and looking at the results of the LEADS assessment in late 2012, I learned about what I am like to experience as a person. I recognized I could contribute more and use my abilities to inspire and encourage.

I chose writing as my method.

I started this blog as a writing practice. I had few expectations. Knowing what I know now, I might have named this blog something that doesn’t compete so much with the “grow light” search traffic.

That same year I started the blog, I was part of a collaborative book with two friends, Six Doors to the Seventh Dimension.

Last year, I wrote a book called Creative Women’s Devotional. Thank you for making this book a success! Hearing from you about how the book has affected you or a friend strengthens me and keeps me writing.

This year, I have another devotional book, this one more open-ended and focused on creativity, coming soon! I will have it ready for Lent, which is early this year and starts on February 10.

Self-knowledge deepens our ability to give in ways that make sense for who we are. I still feel like a small person, but my fingers are faster than ever making words.

I struggle with doubts all the time. What am I doing? Why am I doing what I am doing? Is this how God is guiding me or have I become selfish and vain?

I put these doubts in my writing, as you know.

I appreciate all the kindness I find here on this blog from you, my beloved readers. I appreciate the deep honesty as you share your own stories in the comments, emails or catching me after church or a Toastmaster’s meeting.

What sort of writing would you like to see here for 2016? I’m open to your suggestions! Let me know in the comments!

Until next time, God bless you. May this year bring you new adventures, new places and new ways of seeing yourself so you use your gifts in a world that sorely needs them.

Thank you everyone for making the first month of my book, Creative Women’s Devotional, so successful! And don’t forget, it makes a thoughtful gift 😀 .

I wrote 50,000 words in November as part of NaNoWriMo. My husband, Logan, also completed his novel that is a post-apocolyptic story set here in Mid-Missouri. Such fun to be a writing couple! Every evening you could only hear the sound of our keyboards: click click clicking away. Now we get to relax and enjoy the holidays.

Below is a speech I gave this week in my Downtown Toastmasters club. I thought you might enjoy it too. Blessings to all—keep shining bright despite the long nights!

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I collect home organizing books. I have more than a dozen. I read them, highlight the important parts and add notes in the margin. With all these organization books, you can imagine how my house looks. I’ll tell you.

It’s cluttered! It’s cluttered because of all these home organizing books.

If I had an organized house, I wouldn’t buy these books. But I have hope. Even though I have been a clutter bug my whole life.

When I was growing up, my room was full of books, papers, plastic horses, clothes and an electric typewriter. Once a year, I cleaned my room. It was painful to clean it. I took the piles of papers and books and stuffed them in the closet. I shoved them under the bed. I wrangled my belongings into a temporary state of behaving. When I was finished, after a day of work and tears, I needed to document the occasion. I took a photo of the floor after it was done to prove the rest of the year that my room did have a floor.

I didn’t learn ordinary organizing skills growing up. Add my over-attachment to things with a shred of sentimental value plus my difficulty making a simple decision, and I end up with a wide array of “collections.”

I have confessed my yarn obsession in this Toastmasters meeting before. But you might not know I collect crochet and knitting patterns. From the 1970s. Yes, I could use the web to find a pattern online that would take no physical space. Or I could scour thrift shops for paper copies of 1970s patterns.

Clearly you can see the best choice.

I have an entire bookshelf full of the books and patterns. Sunday night I took a pile of them in my lap. The 1970s was a time of unrest. There were economic pressures and political conflict.  There were protests on campuses and racial tensions. Veterans came back from a war and weren’t given the support they needed to reintegrate into society.

I look at these old crochet patterns and the people in them. I wonder what happened to the baby wearing the crochet hat in the photo. Did he get married? Did he get divorced? He would be about my age now. Is he happy with how his life turned out? Is he at peace?

I also collect a special kind of book. I buy them blank and fill them with words. I have more than 200 journals I have written in since I was 7 years old. I have them by the stacks, in the closet, on the bookshelves, about to topple over on me. I can’t stop the words flowing out of my hands. I hold the journals open to catch them.

I recently read an article about Richard Scarry and how he changed his book from the 1960s to the 1990s version. I have the 1960s version here from my childhood.

The newer version shows a more progressive attitude toward gender roles and race. The 1973 version of “firemen” shows a “beautiful screaming lady”. The 1993 version of “firefighters” shows a “cat in danger” (see the comparison).

Words are important: the words we use and the words we learn. Language can and should change.

I appreciated learning about how he changed his book. I love the original. I love that he made changes to better reflect who we became.

If he were alive today, I believe he would make even more changes.

I have many books—books on organizing and books from the 70s. I have many thoughts, many words and many feelings. I read the suggestions on how to tuck them away so it all looks neat.

But I haven’t been able to do it yet.

I confess, I still feel messy!

But I will keep trying. I’m willing to change. I have hope and I have faith.

The good news? If you were to come to my house right this minute, you could see my floor!

During July, I’m editing my Creative Women’s Devotional book so I won’t be blogging as often here.

I love seeing my new book come together! It is so much pure fun to make things!

If you would like me to add you to my email list for future announcements about the book, please fill out my contact form.

How I make a book

On the nuts and bolts side, I’m using Scrivener as my tool to combine the devotionals.

For design and layout, I am leaving that to the professionals. If you got a copy of my poetry book from last year, Turn, you’ll recognize the name Amy Winschel who was my designer. Amy will be designing my devotional book this year.

A friend of a friend has drawn some lovely illustrations for it.

The cover art will be photographed by my son, Derek Howard.

I plan to get everything edited and laid out by my birthday at the end of the month. Then I can relax!

Summer

This is a photo and some writing I did five years ago, based on Isaiah 40:6-8

people

cry!
what will I cry out?

people are grass.
our flesh, built from hay,
returns to the soil,

and our beauty
is glistening summer wildflowers
in a flat field.

how long will we wither?
how soon will we fade?

but the light of our beloved
goes on
forever

I hope your time is going well. Blessings on your summer!