Blue? Try green instead!

snake plant

snake plantEver get a case of the winter blahs? Short days and long nights give you the blues? A little green life will energize your space! You’ll feel better with oxygen and a touch of nature.

During my week off for Thanksgiving, I wrote 5,000 words on my memoir. (I’m so close to finishing!) As I wrote, I realized that one of my characters wasn’t human; it was my first houseplant.

I was 20 when my housemate gave me this plant. Almost 25 years later, this plant still lives with me. It’s survived the zaniness of my 20s, the unintentional neglect of my 30s when I was child-centered and more unintentional neglect during my outwardly focused life of my 40s.

It even survived a trip across the country from California to Missouri in a cardboard box through the mail with no soil on its roots.

This plant cheers me up. It’s been an important part of my path toward wellness. Upright and green, it never tires of stretching for the light. It reminds me that I have to keep growing and stretching for the love of God that nourishes me as sure as the sun sustains my plant.

Consider yourself a true black thumb? Known for your plant-killing reputation? Do you also tend to push yourself too hard, often ignoring your body and running yourself ragged? Taking care of plants is one of the simplest and most satisfying ways of care taking. By nurturing another living thing, you will slow down and take better care of yourself.

Good plants for busy people

Two common problems with plant care are over-watering and incorrect light.

aloeBefore you imagine me as some magical plant-raising fairy who makes vines swirl up with the twist of my glittery green finger, I’ll admit that I have killed many a plant. Many.

Before I was a mom, I could care for the finicky ones. Misting an African violet, or doing daily trimming and fussing, all that used to be possible before motherhood and the demands of life. Now I stick to the ones who can live with the level of care I can give them (read, minimal).

These are my longtime reliable friends. I recommend them as the best place to start if you’re new to plants.

  • Spider plant (extra benefit: this one purifies the air for you!)
  • Pothos (free if you know someone growing this! You can take a cutting and start a new one easily)
  • Snake plant (obviously, a beloved one of mine! This one also purifies the air and removes the formaldehyde and nitrogen oxide produced by fuel-burning appliances)
  • Rubber plant
  • Jade plant (some Asian cultures believe this one will bring you good fortune!)
  • Aloe (nice to keep in the kitchen in case you get a burn! A gift from a friend at church, the one shown in the photo sits on the sill so we can enjoy it while washing dishes)
  • Zebrina (another plant that is easy to start with a cutting)

What do plants need?

  • Light and location
  • Water
  • Soil and nourishment
  • Attention

Sound familiar? Give yourself the equivalent.

Light and location

Make sure you get enough light this winter!

Spiritual meditation on light
For it is the God who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God.
2 Corinthians 4:6

Water

Plenty of water will keep you healthy, hydrated and better able to fend off viruses.

Spiritual meditation on water
You visit the earth and water it,
you greatly enrich it;
the river of God is full of water;
You water its furrows abundantly,
you settle its ridges,
you soften it with showers,
you bless its growth
Psalm 65:9a,10

Soil and nourishment

Following nature’s rhythm is healing. Wellness comes from a supportive environment and encouraging people. What are you grounded in? Learn from the plant world. Deepen your spiritual roots in good earth. Lengthen your branches to the sky.

Spiritual meditation on soil
Do not fear, O soil; be glad and rejoice, for the Lord has done great things!
Joel 2:20-22

Attention

What are you paying attention to? Worldly temporary things like technology? Or the inner peace that surpasses understanding? The actions and thoughts you feed will grow stronger. Feed the right things.

Spiritual meditation on attention

For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace…
Romans 8:6

Remember, connect with nature for wellness this winter. Replace your blues with green!

Bonus: you can enjoy a two-minute meditative slideshow video featuring my office plants: http://youtu.be/9e9swsZxm8s

Please add your thoughts in the comments below and also be sure to share which plants are your favorites!

Blue icing and dried grass: a Thanksgiving prayer

Miko horse at sunset with hay

blue icingGod, we thank you for this life,
babies born and growing,
hands covered in blue icing from
a first-birthday cupcake.

Thank you for babies who become kids in college
and turn in final papers and
shine in visible brightness.
Bless the next wave of your people.

We thank for you for
the memory of loved ones
gone on to glory.
The funeral flowers have wilted.
The hymns quieted down.
For all those who notice an absence
at the table, comfort them.

We thank you for this feast and
all the people who brought it to us:
the turkey farmers who dedicate
all their days to the care of the birds
and the turkey farmers’ daughters who
have to be understanding about
their fathers never taking a vacation
because farming is an everyday job.

Miko horse at sunset with hayWe thank you for all your creatures,
horses who only ask for water and dried grass,
dogs who nap at our sides and
appreciate scraps from the table.
A walk is ever new to them,
always cause for celebration.
They show us the reason for joy
can be simple.

We remember the ones without hope
and pray for their salvation.
The agonized, the lonely, the lost.
Let them know it’s not too late to remember
your love.

Bless the ones who suffer,
who have come out of surgery
and need your healing.
Ease their pain.

Bless the ones who wait in the hospital,
who don’t know what will happen,
who know they should pray but
find themselves worrying when the lights
go down and the corridors go quiet.
Even with all the medical machines,
it can be so quiet.
Lord, let them hear you.

Bless the wives who witness their husbands decline,
the bodies once the height of strength become
frail. The men never imagined their tree-climbing days would end.
They want to stand straight but their spines bend as hooks do.
When did I become old? they wonder. When did gravity win?
The wives soldier on with patience and bring cups of water.
They smile with determination as they accept good wishes.
They make the best of it.
They don’t let themselves fall apart.
Keep them together; help them travel
a difficult road.

Bless the daughter who visits her mother,
but her mother cannot speak.
Her mother doesn’t remember.
Her mother can no longer walk.
Her gardening and laughter are over.
Her mind has bleached into one long snowy landscape,
details covered over;
white stillness stretches from now until
the end of her days.
The brave daughter holds her mother’s thin hand,
warming it between her palms,
giving it a squeeze.
It has to be enough.
Please give your blessing to
the mothers who have forgotten and
the daughters who have not.

We praise you,
not because our lives are easy,
not just for obvious blessings,
but for air to breathe and
another day of life.
Rejoice!
Be glad!
This is the day to
thank you.

What you mean to me

lizardYou can find more reasons to stay put than move toward your goal.

It’s too hard. I don’t know enough. I don’t like being uncomfortable. I’m too old. I’m not experienced enough. There are already so many people doing it.

I’m scared.

And the biggest one, I’m not good enough.

Starting this blog at the beginning of the year with my first post, I heard my loudest inner critic say in a snide tone, “I’m not a good enough writer. I’m not a good enough Christian.”

It’s a risk to go for a dream. I’ll admit to you, I wasn’t sure what would happen. What if, instead of a place for us with light to grow in, this blog was a ghost town on the web, just me and some tumbleweeds with the occasional lizard running through?

Yet I felt I had to try. Under the voice of my inner critic, I heard a calling like a melodious whisper that I wanted to answer.

Seeing what happens

What happened exceeded my hopes! You, my beloved readers, made this experiment worthwhile. You passed on the word about the blog.

You stopped me for a quick visit about how you could relate to what I said.

You left comments that touched my heart and emails that I have saved in my journal.

You said, “I can relate.”

You strengthen me. You bless me.

I felt less alone. I realized that we’re working toward common goals of growing our faith, our compassion and our ability to enjoy life.

This Thanksgiving, I’ll be giving thanks for you, my valued readers.

The critic comes every week. I hear that same disparaging voice with its prediction of failure and the assessment of “not good enough.”

But friendship and support are stronger, steadier, louder. The sense of togetherness affirms that I should keep going.

As hard as it is, as little as I know, as badly as I write, as much as I stumble and drop communion on my way toward God, I will keep going.

I appreciate you for coming with me!

Big Thank You Book Giveaway

Daily Guideposts 2014 bookAs a thank you, I’m giving away five different books. I wish I could give all of you a book and sit down with you over a cup of tea, but the budget wouldn’t allow it 😀

Comment on today’s blog and you’ll be entered in the random drawing!

You can leave a comment here until noon, Friday, Nov. 22, 2013, when I will randomly pick the winner of the first book, Daily Guideposts 2014, a Spirit-lifting Devotional. A friend at church recommended this book, and I plan to use it in 2014.

The fun will continue with four more books to give away on social media with my Facebook page Genevieve A. Howard and Twitter @HowGen, so join me there!

Good luck and BIG THANK YOU!

Are you letting weeds grow in your life?

fence row with weeds

fence row with weedsIt was a hot afternoon July 4, 2000. I had been a homeowner for 11 days.

We bought ten and a half acres of land in the country, a mix of pasture and woods. Our house was about 175 feet from the gravel road, inside a barbed wire fence.

When I looked out our picture window toward the road, I saw weeds. Not small, easily overlooked knee-high weeds, the tender, innocent type of greenery that could be forgiven because it was pretty (I have a soft spot for the cheery faces of dandelions in the spring). I saw weeds taller than my own height of six feet: giant ragweed.

I changed to raggedy jeans and a t-shirt. After tromping to the barn for a tool I deemed suitable for battle with ragweed (a machete), I began to hack away.

And hack. And hack. I could only work at their bases above the ground, trying to topple them; they were too big to uproot.

The woody stems were almost as thick as my wrist. They refused to let go of life without a sturdy fight.

Having moved to Missouri a year and a half earlier, I was new to the state and didn’t know much about ragweed. For example, that I’m highly allergic to it.

My nose ran. Where I dripped sweat—which was everywhere—yellow pollen stuck to me. My hands were red and puffy. I alternated between puffing and wheezing. My eyes got bulgy. I could feel them tearing up.

The bout reached a decisive moment for victory.

Gen vs. Ragweed

OFFICIAL FIGHT ANALYSIS: Gen outmatched, exhausted and overheated, falls with a defeat time of one hour despite being in a much higher weight class. Ragweed wins, celebrates its victory by standing proud in 95-degree weather.

I gave up. Back inside with iced tea and air conditioning, I looked out the picture window again.

In my new home for less than two weeks, I was already defeated by a weed with a nature for knockout through fast growth, allergens and strong stems.

I surveyed my work down the fence line. I’d removed about a four-foot-square area.

It was hardly noticeable compared to the 120′ of ragweed that stretched across the front.

We had some work to do.

The Harvest Story

A farmer planted seed. As he scattered the seed, some of it fell on the road, and birds ate it. Some fell in the gravel; it sprouted quickly but didn’t put down roots, so when the sun came up it withered just as quickly. Some fell in the weeds; as it came up, it was strangled by the weeds. Some fell on good earth, and produced a harvest beyond his wildest dreams. (Matthew 13:3-8, The Message)

Maintaining a healthy spirit

barbed wireWhen soil is disrupted, this is a time when weeds take root. When the foundation of your life is being turned over (think: teenagers, any kind of big life transition like the end of a relationship, job loss, health issue), you’re more vulnerable. Ask for help.

Give yourself more time to rest and reflect. You’re setting up the rest of your life. You need to replenish yourself.

It always surprises me how little it takes to go from choice to consequence to habit. A bad choice seems innocuous, small as a seed, “just this once.” But that choice grows and takes root in your life until it’s a habit, like a patch of six-foot-tall ragweed, defiant to change.

We did get most of the ragweed out and we removed the barbed wire fence, all 1,800 feet of it. The ragweed comes back every spring, eager for sunlight. Nature shows us competition: for space in the physical world, the mental world, the spiritual world.

Good soil needs constant nourishment. What are you doing to build the vitality of your spirituality? What will grow in the ground of your life?

Be the good soil and bless the world!

Prayer

May we be people of good soil,
not just asking for the bread of the
harvest but growing,
praying,
praising,

bringing a bountiful harvest
of love and compassion to all we meet.

The only sip that satisfies

goldDuring this month of Thanksgiving, I’ll reflect on being grateful in unexpected ways for unusual reasons.

Before you read today’s blog post, I recommend you get a glass of water.

The norovirus hit hard that fall. It seemed unstoppable. There were those who tried to control it. They disinfected, wiped, sterilized and disinfected again, with vials of sanitizer in their purses that they put on in regular intervals.

There were the carefree who tossed off truisms like, “If it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen. I think flu shots and antibacterial soap are making things worse.”

The virus attacked everyone, the disinfectors and the happy-go-lucky.

We were the middle of the road. We washed our hands well but carried no alcohol gel.

When the headache came, I knew what I was in for. I had heard enough stories. I brought a bowl and a bottle of water next to the couch and prepared myself for a journey into the land of illness.

Sickly Child

My mother always called me “a sickly child.” She would say, “You’re a sickly child like your father.” How she knew the state of my father’s immune system when he was a youth was a mystery because they didn’t meet until he was 20. But she insisted. Had he said such a thing to her himself? I tried to imagine him whispering during some candlelit dinner in their courtship, “You know, I was a sickly child.”

When sickness comes for me, it is familiar. The official title of Sickly Child was born out by my example of having chicken pox twice. I spent many hours ill.

It is said that we can hear God best when we are still. That is true for me. Even stillness enforced from being sick can slow me down to mindfulness and a spiritual view. I notice the room and my body in ways I never do while rushing around in wellness. I watch dust motes drift through sunlight and find airborne patterns of houseflies.

The land of illness

As the norovirus staged the coup of my body like a terrible dictator without mercy, I let my consciousness dissolve in the puddle of vagueness.

All my fluids came out of me, from every direction. I could not move. The fever brought a blurring between the room and my imagination.

States of sleep and wake swirled like drops of blue paint in water.

Sour clothes wrapped my body that couldn’t decide if it needed five blankets or a fan set to high. A permanent pair of pliers was stuck on my head, always squeezing.

My husband was sick at the same time on a couch a few feet away, but it might have been in another house for all the help I was able to offer. We could only moan to one another in sympathy. Our lips cracked and we rolled lip balm back and forth.

Movement such as handing over lip balm required more energy and motivation than we had.

I lingered between the land of the living and the land of illness. From the land of the living, I heard noise, shuffling in the distance; my young son fended for himself with crackers for dinner and ramen for breakfast, cooked from the microwave.

Days before, I had stopped eating.

Living water

Three days into the sickness, I could drink no water. My joints ached as if their linings had been ground down. My eyelids grated against dry eyeballs. I kept them closed because blinking hurt too much and the light felt like a personal assault.

In the middle of the night, I woke. My tongue stuck to my mouth. The bed damp around me, I could think a clear thought, “My fever’s broken.”

I was thirsty. Not a mouth thirst, a throat thirst or a belly thirst, but a thirst from behind my dry eyes, the ends of my shriveled fingers, the thickened marrow of my bones.

I clawed the comforter and pulled myself upright. I took a moment to settle. I swung my legs over. Using the wall as a support, I made my way to the bathroom sink. I filled a glass with cold water from the tap.

I held my glass. My vision cleared. The water sparkled and glowed from golden streetlight pouring in the window. It seemed to be everything I had ever needed or wanted. It was life, mine to take in.

My heart echoed in my ear. A clear thought broke through like dawn cuts darkness and mist, “I will give you living water.”

I understood.

I drank the water. I had never had such exquisite water. How good, how sweet must living water be! If this is only the water on earth.

I was back.

Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, ‘Give me a drink,’ you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.” John 4:10

Be blessed as you drink water today. Because you are.

 

What is something you’re grateful for that didn’t seem like an obvious blessing? Have you ever had a spiritual experience come out of illness?

Nun vs. Couch Lady: an internal argument

nunShe lives a life of simplicity and order. She likes her space sparse so we’ll call her Sister Sparsicus. She follows Jesus’s teachings and has no attachments to material goods.

Pray without ceasing.
1 Thessalonians 5:17

She does. She structures her life around prayer. She wakes and reconnects to the spirit as easily as entering a waterfall and flowing with a river.

Obedience draws its meaning from the verb to listen. Focused on the Lord, her ability to listen grows deeper from consistent practice. Like sensing an earthquake before it happens, she can hear the sound of God working in our lives through her bones.

Calm and unshakable, she lives with the divine at her center, edges and flesh.

Her own room is smaller than a horse stall with only a simple cot, a chair and a desk. There are no mirrors and few personal possessions. She lives in a community of faith where they sing together and worship at regular intervals during the day when the church bells ring. She eats bread and water, vegetables and rice. On feast days, she enjoys a single cookie or jam on her bread.

Her exposure to the world limited, her single focus is prayer. Protected from the onslaught of advertising, marketing, personal promotion, social media and junk mail, her mind is tuned to a single spiritual transmitter.

She is a living reminder of where God belongs: everywhere—in our space, in our words, in our mind, in the center of our being and in our heart.

Sister Sparsicus is my fantasy self.

Couch kingdom

couch-friendsMy reality self is more like Cozy Couch Camper, luxuriant and indulgent. I looked for a bible verse about relaxing on the couch but I couldn’t find one (leave it in the comments if you know one!).

I’m absorbed in good times, soft cushions, silliness and splurging on snacks like dark chocolate. Mmm dark chocolate. Might need to take a break for some…

I collect books, notes, photos, poems, potential craft items, memories, magazines, yarn skeins and blue striped spa socks.

I survey stuff stacked through the length of my trailer. Piles of papers make castle walls. I feel protected with stuff around me, shielded from impending pain and doom, the unknown and uncontrollable.

I am my own princess of paper and boxes.

I occasionally leave the couch. I scuff my way in fuzzy slippers to the kitchen where hot cocoa and a plateful of cookies await me.

Then it’s back to my couch kingdom. Like a kitty finding a sunny spot for a snooze, it feels good to sink in the sensual pleasures of the world. Soft couch. Dark chocolate. Friendly pets. From morning to night, I consume messages, food, flattery and social media updates.

How do I find faith in the life I live? This hairy, messy, comfort-seeking life? So far from my fantasy life of a contemplative nun.

Two sides, same coin

Do you have two sides? My husband said he has a “I want to help people” side with “Leave me alone.” Another friend said she has a homebody vs. a world traveler. Maybe yours is a workaholic vs. a dilly-dallier. A believer vs. a cynic. The logical vs. the emotional.

We can’t divorce an aspect of our personality so how do we live with it in peace? We can apply gentleness and respect to resolve the conflict of opposites. I value my nun side but spend more time couch-side.

To find reconciliation, we need to see what they have in common. Both sides of me seek contentment, surrender and faith.

Sister Sparsicus and Cozy Couch Camper don’t want God relegated to random moments or a weekly hour.

I’ve got pray intermittently down pat. No problem! Pray when it occurs to me at random times or when my prayer reminder computer alarm goes off. Not quite a monastery bell!

I will respect my desire to pray more. I’ll work on the more, and give myself a break about the constantly. It doesn’t have to be a nunnery or nothing!

I’ll ease up the critical judgment on my couch self. I’ll forgive myself for being a lazy lover of all things cozy—for I find joy and restoration in soft places with afghans and pillows.

I’ll respect the delight in experiencing the physical world: its sweetness and saltiness, its abundance of treasures.

This world points to heaven. I’ll enjoy it as such, a traveler seeing the sights while knowing I’m moving on.

How do you find integration and wholeness between opposing sides? I welcome your thoughts below!

Something holy in the darkness

prayer-beadsSome nights, I wake up around three.

I wake up with a sense of alarm or urgency.

The room seems shadowy and ominous.

Forgotten tasks on my to-do list surround me, unearthed from my unconscious while I slept. Worries that seemed manageable during the day become fat monsters, sliding their bellies around the room, claws dragging, teeth sharp as glass shards.

I want to go back to sleep. I know I can do little about any of these troubles at three a.m. The middle of the night is no time to let fear take the reins.

So I pray.

I keep prayer beads in a wooden bowl next to the bed. I hold them in the darkness and let prayer soften the edges of my anxiety.

I pray the simple prayers I know by heart. Sometimes I pray the Lord’s prayer but more often, “all is well.” I pray for anyone who comes to mind: people I love or strangers I only saw in a momentary exchange.

I pray and relax, accepting the time as a sacred slice in my life too full of rushing. My fingers on each bead bring me back to a steady rhythm.

Instead of panicking about my lack of sleep, I enjoy the quiet of the house. I hear smooth breathing around me and feel body warmth. The house rests. The cool night offers relief and peace. The world goes on in its worldly way.

I remember others are awake somewhere too. I pray for them. May they be well. May they be happy. May they be calm.

May they know love.

I roll each bead in my finger, a little piece of earth grounding me. The word bead comes from the word for prayer.

prayer-beads-hangingI tell myself that if I don’t go back to sleep, a few hours praying will be time well spent. The room offers a soft murkiness that seems gentle. The worries nibbling me no longer have sharp teeth. I can ignore them.

I wake in the morning with prayer beads still in my hand. The round stones are warm. I wake feeling blessed and calm.

We can resist the 3 a.m. insomnia and fight the darkness. Turn on the light and fuss.

We can accept being awake and recognize it as a time for the holy.

Just pray. Just listen. Just soften.

This is the choice.

Goodwill or bust!

Making our own adventures in ordinary places

A secondhand cat in a secondhand basket. Love them both!
A secondhand cat from the humane society in a secondhand basket from Goodwill. Love them both!

I found my vintage wedding dress in a thrift shop. A heavy satin from the 1960s, it cascaded down in a shiny ivory pool over my feet. I liked that it came with a history of success. If it had worked once, I figured, it would work again.

The dress held mystery. Who had worn it before? I imagined stories about her. Had her wedding been simple, a get-together at her parents’ house with cake and punch? Was it a formal affair in church with hundreds gathered? When she grew old, did she spend her time crocheting?

With a mom married in a second-hand wedding dress, my son came to thrift store shopping honestly.

I’m an adult convert. I never went thrift store shopping as a child. I grew up going to department stores like Lord and Taylor, Macy’s and Neiman Marcus that smelled of women’s floral perfume and men’s leathery cologne. Everything was new and had been advertised in Vogue.

I remember an early thrift experience when I was 21 and living in Santa Cruz. My housemates took me to a warehouse called Bargain Barn. We waited outside, milling around with other people before it opened. Inside, the workers dumped clothes and shoes on long tables with slight edges to keep the items on top. The mounds reached up to eye level. A bell rang and the doors opened. You paid by the pound for the clothes you bought, whether they were leather or cotton.

We squeezed through the door like a mass of human tooth paste. Frenzy and adventure electrified the air. Everyone moved with speed and determination. I bumped up along the first table and looked over the large number of clothes assembled in front of me as people next to me flung them past.

One of my housemates brought me a pair of white go-go boots. “These would be cool on you,” he said.

They looked authentic. Thick heels and stretchy white vinyl with tall laces. A treasure!

I bought them and was transformed into a secondhand store shopper.

Family vacation destination

One summer, two family vacations, three states, four different Goodwills. Whichever town we are in, we check out the Goodwill. The first trip was up to Minnesota to visit my parents. While we were out running errands, my parents asked if there was anywhere we wanted to go.

“Yes! We’d like to go to the Goodwill,” we said. They looked surprised, shook their heads and humored us.

We walked into the Goodwill in St. Paul and stopped in awe when we got through the front door. Organized by color, the racks were rainbows through the store. It was colorful and full of action. Dozens of red sweaters changed to pink to yellow.

I like to search for three main things: handmade sweaters, baskets and afghans. I started with sweaters while my husband and son peeled off for the men’s section. I found a sweater in my size crocheted with three types of yarn in a Catherine wheel pattern. Fantastic!

The basket section was loaded with different sizes and materials. If I hadn’t been limited by the size of our car trunk, our suitcases and our long drive home, I would have picked out five. Or ten. Or, if I’m being honest and my family didn’t talk me down, 15. But I limited myself to one.

We could have spent the afternoon in the St. Paul Goodwill but out of respect for my parents, we pulled ourselves away from the extravagance.

Our second trip was to Illinois to visit my childhood friend. For this trip, we mapped out our drive so it included a stop by the O’Fallon Goodwill. What a great store! Friendly people. My son found a t-shirt with trained and certified Dating Consultant written in script across the front. I picked out fluffy blue towels, brand-new.

Once in Illinois, we stopped by the Goodwill in Alton. I chose a fancy Christmas dress for my friend’s daughter.

Our home store is in Columbia, Missouri. We like to drop off donations and then shop. A perfect circle.

Used spirituality

What are we in God’s eyes? More like department store items chosen carefully by professional buyers, clean and unused?

Perhaps you have a few worn places, a small hidden stain, or a torn place that can be mended.

All we need is the willingness to hang on the rack, and let God take us home and make us a new creation.

God has a use for you.

A deeper understanding of people and their stuff

Like modern-day cultural anthropologists, we learn about people by looking at stuff. What was thought worth enough to be given away instead of sent to the trash? What did the employees consider good enough to put out to sell?

I appreciate seeing people with disabilities both at work in Goodwill and shopping there. Too often, we arrange our lives to avoid those with differences.

Sometimes we work hard to keep an image of perfection going. Secondhand is all about practicality, utility and getting the most out of what you have. As I walk in the store, I smell the earthy scent of fiber, baskets, stuffed toys, furniture and dusty electronics. It’s the smell of human culture. So much stuff flows through our lives. How good to let it flow instead of clot up for too long! I’m grateful to everyone who takes the time to donate instead of dump their stuff.

As a family, we have fun exploring and shopping. It gives me a sense of reconnecting. We see the trends that were, the items that sold a staggering number and then were discarded. Remember the singing wall fish? Cabbage patch dolls? Beanie babies? My son found a Fushigi magic ball in the Jefferson City Goodwill. If we keep looking, I think we might find a pet rock. Or a troll doll.

My son and I both enjoy tchotchkes. All three of us love bargains. Goodwill was made for us. As a family, we can buy mass quantities of clothes and knickknacks but still walk out only $40 lighter.

As someone who takes months to make a single afghan, I appreciate seeing handmade afghans in Goodwill. I take heart that people respect handmade crafts and donate them, rather than trash them, even if they’re in rough shape. I have adopted three afghans for our house.

I ask my husband to tell me the story of who made the latest afghan I brought home. He humors me and says, “This rainbow afghan was crocheted by an older woman while she crossed the U.S. in a hippie bus.”

I wonder if she wore a heavy satin ivory dress in the 1960s.

 Are you a fan of secondhand? Tell me more in the comments!

How to break up with the person you used to be

If I met her today, I would raise my eyebrows. They’d be the same eyebrows: thick, rogue and ready to go off on their own. That would be the end of what we have in common.

I’m 80,000 words into my memoir, and I have about 10,000 words to go. I waded through more than 100 journals to get my story. Through listening to the echoes my earlier self left on the page, I got to know who I used to be.

I didn’t like her.

**********************

Cookie blessing
Pastor Tim blesses Cookie. Photo by Dana Fritz.

My beloved half-Chihuahua Cookie struggles with social anxiety that she expresses through growling.

In a kind voice, her vet once explained to us that he was going to write “fear biter” on her chart so she would be treated with extra-gentleness. It didn’t mean she was a bad dog. It meant she needed special handling so no one got hurt, including Cookie.

We had a pet blessing at my church last weekend. I brought Cookie.

People make her nervous. Other dogs make her nervous. Loud voices make her nervous. Vultures make her very nervous. All these things were part of the event.

Between the nervous shaking and the growling, Cookie almost trembled her way out of her skin. She was blessed anyway.

Even the nervous, growly ones need blessing. Maybe they need it most of all.

**********************

I had a hard time making sense of the early journals, in part because I went through a period of not dating them so one day ran into the next, but mostly because I wasn’t making sense. I recorded things people said to me next to my own ideas. Like untangling a knot in a fragile gold chain necklace, I pulled apart the snippet of a conversation in a café from a song lyric.

An exchange overheard on a bus went next to my plans for the future and a list of foods I got from the health food store called the Food Bin but affectionately called the Food Binge.

Pages rolled on without explanation or context. For hours, I worked to draw a single clear thought out of anguish mounded in dark scrawls, a glass bead in a neglected corner crowded with dust bunnies. The memoir grew.

Making Peace

Cookie at the pet blessing. Photo by Dana Fritz.
Cookie at the pet blessing. Photo by Dana Fritz.

I acknowledge the person I was 25 years ago. It’s true I ran around and bounced off the walls of the city. Nightclubs seemed too small, and each time I saw the ocean, I was tempted to dissolve in it.

I didn’t believe in goodness.

I was prickly and unpleasant while wanting to be praised, needy but unable to accept affection. I cussed and walked in the street, rejecting the sidewalk’s offer to keep me safe. I slept in my clothes due to apathy, drunkenness or lack of ability to choose a different outfit.

I saw no point in hoping.

I refused joy or couldn’t find it. I don’t know if I was looking.

Breaking up

As I extract a story from raw materials, I see my past in a new light. I realize I need to break up with the person I used to be.

Like a dysfunctional friendship you only hang onto for historical reasons, I’ve been carrying around my old self. I’m ready to let go.

I acknowledge my differences with who I was and end it with grace.

We need to say this to the past: “It’s over.”

And we need to pray: “God, bless who I was, who I am and who you want me to be.”

Because even the nervous, growly ones need blessing. Maybe they need it most of all.

Ultramen in handmade sweaters

ultramenMy mother knitted them for my niece’s Barbie dolls. She followed careful patterns to make sweaters, pants and dresses. She counted stitches. She included details of stripes and snaps, elastic waistbands and ribbing on the cuffs.

She must have used tiny knitting needles. The little loops curl around one another in rows, neat as bowling pins with equal distance between each one.

How satisfying it must have been to make the miniature outfits! A whole wardrobe could be finished in a week.

Making clothing for adults can be tedious. You never notice how big a grown man is until you try to knit a sweater for him! You notice how strange our heads are shaped once you wrestle with the angles of making a hat fit.

Dolls make perfect models. Never growing, they stand ready to pose in your latest fashion. They won’t stretch out the sleeves or wear out the elbows.

A new purpose

My niece grew up. The dolls—no longer needed—waited for a fashion show that never came in southern weather unsuited for sweaters.

Because of my interest in all things yarn, my sister asked if I wanted the Barbie clothes.

“Of course! Sounds fun!” I said.

She mailed me the clothes in an envelope the size of a thin paperback.

I admired them and put them in a box. The sweaters waited.

Meanwhile, my husband’s Ultramen protected the bookshelf from attack. They stood unyielding in molded red plastic armor.

The realization struck me. Sweaters are made to be worn, not stored in boxes.

These Ultramen need sweaters! I got them dressed immediately.

Could my mother imagine her creations would decorate Japanese plastic superheroes from the 1960s? Would she be distressed—or delighted?

After we’ve made something, we can’t control how it’s used. We can make it with joy and give it away with our best hopes. Once it’s out of our hands, it goes in its own direction.

What are you making now that will outlast you?

Her work—with its unintended purpose—continues to produce joy.

Proud Ultramen in knitted glory look out from their bookshelf across the vast bedroom. They are never cold, always cozy, cheering us up every time we see them.

Ultramen in hand knit sweaters—the silliness of it, the wonderfulness of it, life!